man time (wOrLd cUp edition)
"WhO's wRiTiNg thIs sCRiPt"
(i think some bald loser in orthopedics but idk)
despite
"FWIFA"
(the Make-A-Wish Foundation)
exhibiting
"STRANGE BEHAVIOR"
(the reason we don’t have lead pipes anymore)
the
wOrLd cUp
was
FUCKING PEAK
(i cried multiple times)
SO
there is
A LOT TO COVER
(that was the most chaotic 40 days of my life)
SO
without further ado
MAN TIME
(wOrLd cUp edition)
AGAIN
despite
"FWIFA"
(a literal gaggle of bastards)
being
"FWIFA"
(even strippers don’t reach for dollars that aggressively)
i still found myself
BUYING PANINI STICKERS
(multiple boxes)
and
PAYING
for
FUCKING FOX
(the devil's network)
so
...good job...
(…you're all a bunch of grifters…fuck you…see you in Spain…)
40 DAYS OF CHAOS
for
40 DAYS
my
MORNING ROUTINE
was:
wake up
(whack it)
make coffee
(whack it before i shit and possibly shower)
turn on futbol news
(whack it and yell at my wall)
until it was finally time to
"WATCH SOME GAMES"
(fight off sleep by throwing a fit)
AKA
ME YELLING:
THROUGH BALL
(it's literally always on)
FUCK
(nowhere near a swear word in the context of sport)
RUNNNNN
(the lack of urgency from some of y'all was alarming)
SHOOOOT
(you mfers are the most timid fucks on earth)
AND
(my personal favorite)
"KYS"
(unabbreviated)
at
MY WALL
literally
ALL DAY
(basically heaven)
THE FRONT LINE
SHOUT OUT
to
"THE NETWORKS"
(the media meat farm)
for gathering
FUCKING LEGENDS
to
"COMMENTATE"
(politely tell these mfers they're dog shit)
if i had known that
ONE DAY
my
EUROSPORT HEROES
(a lot of you mfers shaped me as a person)
WOULD BE
in a
PERIWINKLE SUIT
(a bow tie away from Peewee Herman)
with a
CHINCHILLA
trying to
CRAWL OFF HIS HEAD
(PLEASE USE THIS MONEY ON A TRIP TO TURKEY)
CALLING SCRUBS
from
MY AGE GROUP
fucking
"GENERATIONAL TALENTS"
(must be slim pickins’)
i would have had
"MORE FAITH IN MYSELF"
(bit my tongue and sighed my way to a Ballon d'Or)
BUT
in all seriousness
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE
(please get some rest)
your
HARD WORK
(gotta be piss bottle stories)
brought
THE WORLD
so much
JOY
(i cried when y'all signed off for the last time)
EVEN IF
"THE NETWORKS"
(the reason why we live in Idiocracy)
had
MY ALLTIME FAVS
(MeN's aNd WoMeN's)
working like
AN UNDERSTAFFED BURGER KING
(pregnant woman included)
also
I'M EXTREMELY PROUD OF Y’ALL
for not
LAUGHING ON AIR
(too hard)
THE SHIT SHOW
I FUCKING LOVE
the
wOrLd cUp
(it’s my favorite social season)
because
"THE GAMES"
(grown men at their most desperate)
are
USUALLY FUCKING CHAOTIC
(it’s like if the MLS and THE PREM had a crossover episode)
a lot of
"DARK ARTS"
(mfers shamelessly turning futbol into Mortal Kombat)
AND
EVEN MORE MFERS
TOO TALENTED
TO BE PLAYING
5 IN THE FUCKING BACK
(please just learn how to defend properly)
WILLINGLY PLAYING
RING AROUND THE ROSIE
ON
THE TOUCH LINE
(there is an art to getting fucked senseless...just take it)
this
wOrLd cUp
in particular was
"FUCKED UP"
(unbelievably fucking GUT WRENCHING)
because
IT WAS LIKELY
a lot of my
"HEROES"
(mfers who carried futbol on their backs for the last 20 years)
"LAST DANCE"
(LUKA 😭)
SO
NATURALLY
i was getting
"EMOTIONAL"
(literally crying watching my heroes weep into their jerseys)
for the most part
THE GAMES
were
FUCKING PEAK
(Cape Verde you’re forever cemented in history as legends)
YOU KNOW
shit's
"FUCKING PEAK"
(literally the best tournament on the planet)
WHEN
this mfer
ERLING BRAUT HAALAND
(Nina Tucker)
had me
CLAPPING
and
ROWING
like a
FUCKING VIKING
(the wOrLd cUp truly is biZArRo wOrLd)
but
SOMETIMES
the video of
MARISA TOMEI
doing
YOGA
(barefoot)
was
1000x MORE ENJOYABLE
than
WATCHING Y'ALL:
MAYBE
POSSIBLY
IF YOU'RE ALLOWED TO
HOPEFULLY
ADVANCE THE BALL UP THE PITCH
(stop listening to your coaches...they have ulterior motives)
AND
MAYBE
POSSSIBLY
IF THE
STARS FUCKING ALIGN
AND
THE GODS ALLOW IT
SHOOT THE FUCKING BALL
(futbol is sex…not masturbation...please cum in the net)
THE OFFICIATING
FOR
"THE MOST PART"
(y'all have the hardest job on the planet)
it was
…actually decent…
(i’m honestly shocked how little times i called y'all cunts)
BUT
OTHER TIMES
I QUESTION WHY THERE ARE EVEN:
45 to 60
4K CAMERAS
ZOOMED IN
ON THESE MFERS
PIMPLES
(please aquire a skin care routine)
A
BABY MONITOR
IN
THE FUCKING BALLL
(i promise you it's not that deep)
THE ABILITY TO
IDK
STOP THE GAME
FOR
HOW EVER LONG YOU PLEASE
TO
"PINCH AND ZOOM"
(play god on company time)
ON
WHAT IS CLEARLY
SOMEONE
"BITCHING AND MOANING"
(a grown man rolling in the grass snickering)
OTHER
THAN
"THAT"
(what's slowly ruining futbol)
…good job…
(please start giving more yellows for simulation)
SPAIN WIN
i'm gonna say
THE SAME THING I SAID
when they
WON THE EUROS
(i really don't understand why y'all can't beat them)
"consistency is key"
(give a fuck)
also
I'M LOWKEY PISSED
y'all let
RODRI
(the sentient stump)
"COMPLETE FUTBOL"
(wall pass his way to winning everything)
wOrLd cUp XI + 7 BENCH
SO
this is less about
"STATS"
(why futbol blows dick now)
and
MORE SO
a list of
PEOPLE
who either
BROKE RECORDS
(i'm so fucking proud of y'all)
or
DIDN'T PISS ME OFF
(that much)
CONGRATULATIONS :P
since it's
A TOURNAMENT
your
ONLY OBJECTIVE
is to
SCORE FUCKING GOALS
(it's almost like you mfers don't understand goal differential)
and idk
GIVE A FUCK
(you can exhaust yourself...y'all still get snack time)
...SEE YOU NEXT TIME...
now that all the
PANINI STICKERS
have been
RIPPED OPEN
THE CHAMPIONS
have been
CROWNED
and
i've finally
"RECOVERED"
(patiently waiting to be Women's World Cup Wasted)
i find myself
MOURNING
the
wOrLd cUp
(you capialist bastards really know how to put on a show)
and
even though
"AMERICA"
(the only place on the planet comfortable being this shitty)
is
UNBEARABLE
in its
"CURRENT STATE"
(incontinent)
i'm still
OVERJOYED
that
PEOPLE
from
ALL OVER THE WORLD
got to
FALL IN LOVE
with
AMERICA
(it's FFFFFUCKED UP but it's crazy lit)
for the same reasons
I LOVE AMERICA
(i love ranch too)
als0
64 TEAMS
is
WAYY TOO MANY
(you greedy fucks will entertain any idea for money)
ANYTHING MORE
would put
THE WORLD
(our only home)
in a
"FUTBOL INDUCED PHYCHOSIS"
(heaven)
☢︎
