didn’t pilot the EVA all week

(shit IS cooked but idk)

been playing

WARHAMMER 40k

SPACE MARINE 2

and

KINGDOM HEARTS 2

(at the same time)

they’re basically

the same game

it’s just one

is for people

obsessed

with

beard oil

brotherhood

and

red meat

the other

is for people

obsessed

with

anal lube

friendship

and

feet

both

MAY OR MAY NOT

(primarily)

cum into their hand

oh yeah

and

they’re both

hack and slashes

still

doodlin’ n doodlin’

so

ONES O’ MEDIA

(cooked edition)

if you been here awhile

i used to have a section called

“icks”

because

as kind as i am

i come from

a long line of cunts

(the hate festers in my bones like plasma)

so i’m rebranding it into

a new section called

“COOKED”

(where i DESERVEDLY read things for filth)

the first one is

“girthy”

(your fingers might not touch but you’ll finish)

ENJOY!

COOKED

skate…

i played this on a

FUCKED PS4

on controller with

STICK DRIFT

for

a few hours

(literally your target demographic)

so forgive me

if i’m not experiencing the full

“breadth”

of what this game has to offer

(literally nothing)

i didn’t think i’d hate it

THIS MUCH
(this is like PSYOP levels of bad)

it’s clear

y’all didn’t put in any 

“effort”

(literally just doing your job)

into making this

(PLAYABLE)

what you’re supposed to do is

“MAKE FUCKING PEAK”

(PUSH CULTURE FUCKING FORWARD):

put the

best skaters on the planet 

(me)

on the

best map

(designed by people who give a fuck)

with the

best animations

(an impossible that actually fucking wraps)

with the

best soundtrack

(EAR WORMS AND BANGERS ONLY)

LITERALLY JUST DOING SKATEBOARDING IT'S PROPER CULTURAL JUSTICE

or as

Rob Dyrdek

(your capitalist messiah)

said 

you’re supposed

to take these people and have them 

“forever immortalized in a video game”

(HONORABLY)

instead

you chose to make

a bastard game 

from the

viral ashes

 of the

bastard game

from

15 years ago 

that was the

bastard game 

to 

LITERAL PEAK

(Skate 2)

because some executive saw 

A MASSIVE NUMBER

and heard 

“EVEN FLOOOOOW”

and thought

“i might be able to get that new yacht”

(you might have to sell that mfer tbh)

since you’re choosing to be 

“cheap”

(scared shitless of paying people proper royalties)

you get a product that is

"beyond subpar"

(dog shit)

dare i say

“UNPLAYABLE”

(somehow less enjoyable than actual skating)

of course this game

SUCKS DICK

it’s

6 GB

(the animation file for my impossible is like 15 GB MINIMUM)

in choosing to have this be 

 “always online”

(the decision-making of a monkey with a finger up it’s ass) 

you’re forced to make 

“compromises”

(literally strip skateboarding of its essence in favor of latency)

this is like

THERANOS LEVELS 

OF 

DECEPTION

(bitch if the fucker only worked once...just say that)

“BuT iT's iN EarLY ACcEsS!”

Star Citizen

has been in

“early access”

since i was

in college

(13 years)

there is more

care detail and attention

in

one speck of dust

than there is in the entirety of this

"dog shit"
(only fun because i'm enamoured at how bad it is)

for a game

you're supposed to be able to

"do anything”

(a fucking skydive simulator with tre flips)

you kinda can’t

"do shit"

(wallieing the jersey barriers should be as easy as pushing)

this is also why 

YOU

SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO

PATENT GAME MECHANICS 

(you can literally stunt society with your greed)

i tried playing 

Sessions 

it’s shit

(no offense)

i tried playing

Skater XL

it’s shit

(no offense)

all these games are so shit

(no offense)

because they have to spend 

MOST OF THE BUDGET 

just trying to

circumnavigate 

the fucking

flick it system

(LITERAL PEAK)

that’s like if

MARIO 64

placed a broad patent on the

THE WALL JUMP

(A BASIC FUCKING TRAVERSAL MECHANICS)

GAMING

AS WE KNOW IT

WOULD BE

NONEXISTENT

not to mention

YOU’RE

NICKLE AND DIMING

THIS GAME TO HELL

(being this greedy during a recession is pathological)

25

(WHOLE)

AMERICAN DOLLARS

for this

(how do you capitalist fucks sleep at night)

not Yuan

not Yen

not CAD

but

25

COLD

HARD

BALD EAGLES

(literally psychotic)

previous

Skate

games felt

“empowering”

(the reason why i’m a walking nightmare)

this one feels 

“cooked”

(the reason why i haven’t skated in 5 months)

at best the map feels

ai generated 

at worst 

the map feels 

“boring”

(stripped of life and devoid of a soul)

the reason why skating is

“sick”

(LITERAL IRL PEAK)

is because there’s equal parts 

“you got it next try”

(some of the kindest people on earth)

as there is

“fuck you…fuck this…kys”

(some of the kindest people on earth)

it’s literally the only way it works 

(I WOULD KNOW)

if you sterilize it

TO ALL HELL

you’re left with 

LITERALLY NOTHING

(at best animation porn…at worst a waste of 6GB)

this could have

EASILY

been like   

REMATCH

(PEAK FUTBOL)

i paid

30 bucks 

plus the

10 for the season pass 

and i’ve

(HAPPILY)

put in

222+ hours 

(even if that was mostly spent waiting in queue)

and

what do you know

i don’t feel 

“ripped off” 

(a pathetic attempt to grift skate culture…yet again)

this shit is 

COOKED

(CERTIFIED)

DO NOT

CALL ME TO FIX THIS

BURN IN HELL

(you'd have to give me the keys and A LOT of 0's)

also

“BuT yOu fINgEr SnaPPed aNd DiD the sKaTe NoISe tHinG !!!”

yeah because

I FUCKING LOVE SKATEBOARDING

(with all my heart)

but

I FUCKING HATE CAPITALISM

(with all my heart)

all capitalism does is provide

(and breed like fucking cancer)

a

spineless

lifeless

tacky

version of reality

(literally selling you delusions)

ALL THINGS

SKATEBOARDING ISN'T

AND

NEVER WILL BE

(...or at least shouldn’t be…)

☢︎