didn't pilot the EVA all week

(i didn't think mfers would actually miss the fuck outta me)

started playing

STELLAR BLADE

("scha-wing")

NO

i haven’t

"whacked it"

(hentai and animated stuff are OFF LIMITS…slippery slope)

EVEN THOUGH

my girl

EVE

is my favorite

“build”

(they made her like scary fucking hot)

bangs

(cum curtains)

autism

(this bitch literally collects cans)

LONGGG

ponytail

(the more yankable the better)

1000x

smarter than me

(not as hard as you’d think)

1000000x

cuntier than me

(harder than you’d think)

and

THICKER THAN

A FROZEN BOWL OF MOLASSES

(LITERAL MATING FUEL)

BUT

the gameplay is

SO FUCKING SICK

i’m more concerned with

KICKING FUCKING ASS

(i have too much respect for her to whack it)

more thots

once i

beat it

(i’m having an insane amount of fun)

played the

demo

for

PRAGMATA

(FINALLY)

AND

HOLY SHIT

(i literally clapped like a dork when i finished it)

i wasn’t expecting it to run

THIS WELL

on the

Steam Deck

(optimize...optimize...optimize...OPTIMIZE)

the 17th

literally

can’t come fast enough

(these fuckers are gonna make me bawl my eyes out )

still adjusting

to not living in

"squalor"

(my brain has changed so much in 2 weeks)

so

ONES O' MEDIA

(vulgar edition)

(the art in the dismemberment)

BULLETSTORM

OKAY SO

this was

"one of those games"

(actually worthy of the M-Rating)

SO

i was

DYING

to

PLAY IT

as a

TEENAGER

(my mom would have had a fucking conniption)

SO

i knew this one was

"off the table"

(not worth the argument)

EVEN THOUGH

at that point i had:

been

addicted to 

Call of Duty 

since

7th grade 

(BRING BACK WORLD AT WAR...UNTAMPERED)

spent

HOURS

DICKING AROUND

in

Saints Row 2

(imma be a 3rd Street Saint till i die)

and

had beaten 

Prototype

(and was waiting on pins and needles for 2)

I STILL KNEW

this game

would have gotten 

“the Xbox removed”

(mfers start randomly going back to church)

SO

i was

FORCED

to just watch

playthroughs

(s/o Allshamnowow)

BUT NOW

that i'm

30

('NOW I DO WHAT I WANT')

i finally get to play

“peak”

(the shit that got the entire G4 office wet)

it was also

on sale

for

3 bucks

so i couldn't not

fulfill my childhood dreams

(nobody gets me to drop my pants faster than Steam)

for a game

made for:

people with

the sensibilities

of

the funniest table

at

high school lunch

(i was there)

and 

college dorm rooms

where the smell of

weed smoke and cum

are seemingly

EVER-PRESENT

(I WAS THERE)

i literally

SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

i was going to

FUCKING LOVE IT

(like wayyy more than i was expecting)

within the first

30 minutes

they said

“cocksucker”

(my favorite term of endearment)

MORE TIMES

THAN I DO

IN A DAY

(a damn near impossible feat)

it's so

crude and in your face

that it's

hard not to love it

(mfers were allowed to say whatever in the 2010s)

these

mfers said:

“...suck the tears off my dick...mother fucker...”

something so

"vulgar"

(the necessary verbiage)

i'm

FUCKING PISSED

i didn't think of it

(my jaw literally hit the floor when i heard it)

it’s like

Gears of War 

for people with 

“a personality”

(don't dream about their homeboys cum on their lips)

i wasn’t expecting it

to feel like a

7-hour bar fight 

(you can literally merk mfers SLOSHED)

and 

abstract painting

(with blood)

all at

THE SAME TIME

(playing this felt more like painting than mass slaughter)

after

flinging carcasses into spikes 

turning mfers into fireworks

and

whatever the fuck

this is

you start finding

"the art in the dismemberment"

(juggling mfers with a shotgun changes your brain chemistry)

SO

you

start

getting 

“creative”

(happily tapping into the darker parts of your mind)

it's literally one of

my favorite types of games

(games like this create lifelong gamers)

violent 

stupid

lewd

and 

FUN AS SHIT

(video games are literally for escapism and enjoyment)

“i tHOuGht yOu WEre like a PaCIfiSt?!?”

(no dumbass...i just can’t trust the carceral system)

why do you think

i wear boots all the time

(you never know when you'll have to kick a mfer in the chest)

also 

duhhh

i have a crush on

Trishka 

(i love a dirty bitch...with a dirtier mouth)

also also 

i know this will probably

NEVER HAPPEN

(...a girl can dream...)

BUT

GIVE ME ANOTHER!

(the world deserves more games like this)

ADULT GAMERS

DERSERVE

"ADULT GAMES"

(just be better parents)

☢︎