didn’t pilot the EVA all week

(…i’ll give you time to digest…)

beat

MY FAV GAME

(OF ALL TIME)

FOR THE FIRST TIME

(yes...i’m gatekeeping)

again

"BEEN BUSY"

(i'm slingshotting like a mfer)

SO

ONES O' MEDIA

(small world edition)

(i’ve still yet to suck on a titty)

SKATE STORY

okay so 

when the trailer initially dropped 

i was like:

“hmmmmmm looks interesting…i’ll try it”

then

i went out skating irl

(younger me was riding that damn skateboard)

fast forward some months 

and i'm 

“doing my rounds”

(giving the curbs some love)

and

i ran into someone new 

(a rarity considering how deeply entrenched i am)

we chat 

skate together 

and 

pontificate on how 

FUCKING ANNOYING 

frontside slappies are

(my trucks are too loose to jam up frontside)

fast forward maybe

another 6 months 

and

i’m playing the demo 

and i’m like:

“wait…this lowkey slaps”

(it helped me understand heelflip front crooks)

fast forward 

another few months 

and

the youtube algorithm

feeds me 

a dev diary 

and 

to my surprise

it’s the same person i was giggling with

(small world…hi Sam)

i would not call this a 

“skate sim”

(it has entirely too much heart)

BUT

it is

one of the best games 

(about or pertaining to skateboarding)

that i’ve ever played

(it’s really perplexing)

NOTICE

how when i said:

“most skate games are dog shit”

i didn’t mention this one 

(just from the demo i knew it didn’t apply)

BUT NOW

after playing

the full game

(and becoming even more of a demon)

i realized

this is kind of how i skate irl

(a headcrack because i haven’t skated in like a year)

super jazzy

(i miss being a jazzy lil fucker)

doing the same 6 tricks

(you don’t need that many if they look good)

going fast as fuck 

(the appropriate speed)

reverting for no reason

(to feel something)

 and 

POWERSLIDES 

lots and lots

O’ POWERSLIDES

(this game has my fav powerslide animation)

SO

the more 

i played it 

the more 

i adored it 

(seriously it’s so much fun)

which is crazy because

AGAIN

i would not call this a 

“skate sim”

(idk what the fuck to even call it)

this is going to sound like 

“i have my dick in my mouth”

(rightfully sucking myself up for once)

BUT

usually with 

“skate sims”

(usually half baked cash grabs or severely underfunded)

i usually get

BORED AF

(especially if the mechanics are "dog shit")

because 

at a certain point 

i’m like:

“this game is lowkey trash...i’m better irl”

and then

i go outside 

and 

“touch grass”

(rip so hard it changes people’s perception of a skater)

BUT

this game

is so

“unique”

(i’m fucked in the head and even i’m like how’d you make this)

it managed to

keep me engaged the whole time

(a rarity for my hyperactive mind)

it’s like a 

“subversive take”

(yuck sorry for using normie language)

on like 

A LOT

of genres 

(this mfer is like 5 different games and it works)

it’s like 

Tony Hawk

(peak arcade game)

Skate 2

(peak skate sim)

The Legend of Zelda 

(peak adventure game)

EARLY

Sonic the Hedgehog

(peak speeder) 

and

Bit.Trip Runner

(peak rhythm game)

SO

it's like 

5 of my favorite franchises

(the media that made me)

wrapped up in this

weird

quirky

glassy

“hellscape”

(peak)

even

learning new tricks

felt 

natural and exciting 

(which i nuts because i can do most of these tricks in my sleep)

the 

“boss battles”

(shreading your way out of hell)

are

FUN AS FUCK

(i was literally looking forward to them)

“tHeRe’s bOSs BAtTLes iN a sKatiNg gAmE!?!”

(yes…like i said...it’s in it's own genre)

ALSO

even though 

"The Skater"

doesn’t say anything 

(same pookie)

i relate to them 

A LOT

(a silent ripper who’s way more fragile than you’d think)

the only difference is 

i don’t 

“eat moons”

(i’ve still yet to suck on a titty)

for a game with like

 15 tricks

(the grind tricks aren’t even labeled)

no pros

(this generation doesn't really deserve it tbh)

no licensed music 

(i honestly prefer the ambient indie vibes)

and 

no

multibillion dollar company

pulling the strings

(basically one person made this)

(ironically)

IT

COMPLETELY SHITS ON

skate. (2025)

(corporate dog shit)

it's almost like

"playability"

(making something that's fun and respectful)

has nothing to do with

resources or loose association

(…gee what a concept...)

AGAIN

i don’t know what genre it is 

(this mfer was in UNITY going fucking balistic)

BUT

i do know

what score it deserves

4.5/5

(if not higher)

it’s defienlty

not for everyone

(it's trippy as fuck)

BUT

if you enjoy

skateboarding and video games 

(two of the best mediums on the planet)

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

it's a shame

"traditional skate media"

(geriatric fucks with iphones and no taste)

didn't give this any recognition

(it's literally one of the best skate games of the last 10 years)

BUT

we all know how they treat

"peak"

(ignore it until they look stupider than they already are)
☢︎