didn’t pilot the EVA all week

(a 'diva' wouldn't even ask)

i’ve actually been watching

skate videos

again

(nothing from the last 25 years)

if you can actually believe that

miss skating

(A LOT)

BUT

mfers need to take

ACCOUNTABILITY

(treating me like a freak has consequences)

bought

new sheets

(s/o MUJI)

to prevent me from

“whacking it”

(somehow after decades of abuse i don't have ED)

so

i feel like

a dog in shoes

“i just need to feel the grime…so i know i’m safe”

transitioning out of

fucking exile

is proving to be more

“difficult”

than i anticipated

(i never thought i'd mourn being a gremlin)

can't do much else

but

ride my bike

and

get oggled at

(living the dream)

so

ONES O’ MEDIA

(self-worth edition)

ALSO

i'm officially a

"capitalist shill"

(started an LLC)

so you can now

(LEGALLY)

GIVE ME MONEY

(support peak)

PLEASE DON'T SUE ME

(it's not worth it)

(slim pickin’)

DATE EVERYTHING!

one thing i’m not

is a

serial

dater

(y’all look certifiable)

i don’t understand it

it's too much sifting through

“DUMB FUCKS”

PSYCHOS

and

EMBARASSMENT

FOR ME

(some of you have never been physically abused and it shows)

so

even though i am

pan poly

leaning

(realistic about attraction and life)

i’ll probably never have to move like this

IRL

(thank god)

so

i decided to play this

to live out my

agoraphobic

SLUT

fantasy

by

DATING EVERYTHING!

before i dig into it

(make you tilt your head)

i just want to say

i really like it

(gotta be A LOT of furry tails in that office)

BUT

i do have some funny things to say

because

that's my job

being so hot

people are willing to

(if not been waiting to)

divulge

close-kept trauma

from the

90s

playing this felt like my life

(never leaving my house...but talking to everything in sight)

theres a

venn diagram

of people who are:

waiting for the next

Sky Williams

video

(we all are)

goes to

Ren Faire

(unironically)

and

wears a

butt plug

at work

(often)

is a

circle

and

they all made this game

(you can put the poppers down now)

this might be the weirdest

Kinsey Test

ever created

(i would get rizzed up by the fuse box)

some of these character models are

"insane"

(could only be concocted by a freakishly talented cumslut)

so

heres a list of

things i knew would get my dick hard

the bay window

(it's the architect in me)

the bed

(thick...reliable.... and built for it)

the fan

(i love a good wet mouth)

the bathtub

(i’d overfill that for a lifetime)

the stationery

(frazzled and in need of saving...YUM)

the water heater

(she makes me feel safe)

somehow

i spammed B so hard

i fell in love with

BOOKS

y'all really gave

THE BOOK

(something deserving of a coochie)

CUM GUTTERS

(the fiendish doings of a millennial twink)

playing this for

10 whole hours

solidified that

even in simulation form

"dating"

(spamming B through people's problems)

does nothing for me

there were moments playing this

(getting half the house to hate me with my passivity)

where i was walking around the house

directionless

forgetting i'm wearing

rose colored glasses

(a requirement to deal with the state of the dating pool)

DESPERATE

SCRAMBLING

looking to connect to

ANYTHING

leading me to think

DELUSIONAL

things

(working with what's in front of me)

like

"have i fucked the Soundcloud rapping plunger yet?"

and that is when i knew

"dating"

(entertaining stupidity)

wasn't for me

unfortunately

(for y'all)

i think in terms of

DECADES

not

HOURS

(i’m OLD…i know what fulfills my heart)

so

“casual dating”

(being too socially anxious to just buy a fleshlight)

will never be my jam

TLDR

most you fucks are

MISERABLE

and

DYSFUNCTIONAL

but

...hmu...

☢︎