didn’t pilot the EVA all week

(i lowkey need a christmas complete)

i’ve started eating

Spicy Snack Wraps

and

ENJOYING THEM

(the truest recession indicator)

been hanging out with the fuckin’

RATS

(playing EA FC 25)

RUSH

mode

EATS

(it’s REMATCH for dummies)

even if you are

FORCED

to play with

“DUMB FUCKS”

(myself included)

it’s still really enjoyable

PLEASE

for the love of god

make

FIFA STREET

this break was necessary

but i think i’m gearing up for

“the big one”

(never knowing this level of peace again in my life)

been savioring my last bit of

“peace”

(living in conditions you wouldn’t even visit)

so

SOMES O' MEDIA

(reality edition)

also

since i’m turning

30

next week

i'd like to start doing

PILATES

to stay limber

(please don't make me cry)

i’m

mentally tough

and

can take a lot of pain

(my afro pick went into my toe and i just casually pulled it out)

but please

(i’m begging you)

do not

“Whiplash”

me

(throw shit at me because you smell greatness)

so

let me know where i can go

where i won't get

embarrassed

(or molested)

(intergalactic hood rat shit)

JIMMY NEUTRON: BOY GENIUS

i try not to use

“the g word”

(but i will wear a t-shirt)

it gets into

egomaniacal

delusional

narc

territory

and

i don’t play that shit

(i deal with enough projection as it is)

but i’ve talked to

“the computer”

enough

that i don’t feel weird saying that

i lean closer to

“smart as a bitch”

than i do

“dumb as fuck”

(after enough blank stares after talking you tend to put 2 and 2 together)

i love this movie

i’ve seen it

a million times

(ironically...i worked at the theater i first saw it at for years)

so there isn’t much overly profound shit to say

it's a

SLAPPER

shit has been heavy lately

(someone had to say it)

so

i decided to do

“a goofy one”

(one for the soul)

so here are just some

“funny observations”

from watching it this week

with my

"big brain"

FIRST

ORDER OF BUSINESS

RIP

AARON CARTER

(YOU DESERVED BETTER)

i'm like if

Jimmy

Nick Dean

and

Sheen

got a spin-off show

"about nothing"

(very fuckable...too smart...a little fucking dopey...airs after midnight)

Jimmy

be having

BARS

like literally

"What good is being a genius if you can't go out on a school night?"

(Postmates a footjob on a weekday)

"Why are you so lowkey?"

JIMMY FUCKIN NEUTRON

said it best

"in times of crisis, intellectuals are always the first to go"

(i refuse to get clapped for being right)

i've literally never snuck out

(EVER)

i never had the heart to lie to my parents

(LIKE THAT)

plus

i never get invited to do

"hood rat shit with my friends"

(especially not the intergalactic kind)

the

"mean girls"

are always secretly in love with me

(they're always softies with a shrine to me in their closet)

"if others know i love you, they’ll treat me like they treat you"

first off

fuck those losers

and

secondly

why are they even treating me like that to begin with

if you ever see me making a

"crazy face"

(my eyebrows and lips working overtime)

i'm either having a

"brain blast"

(making myself giggle)

or

trying not to shit myself

(eggs truly are my mortal enemy)

and

FINALLY

if you want to use me for my

"BIG BRAIN"

just know

she costs

BIG MONEY

($83,333.33 at the top of every month...surely i'm worth at least 1/2)

oh and i can't not talk about

"the elephant in the room"

(the baddest bitch in Retroville)

Jimmy's mom

she's in my

Top 5

"Cartoon Milfs Who Can Get Another One"

list

(the retro big lip fat ass shit has had me in a chokehold for 20 years)

QUICK POWER RANKING

MRS.INCREDIBLE

(BIG STRETCHY YUM YUM)

DEXTER'S MOM

(i love doing the dishes)

MRS.NEUTRON

(let me lick your beauty mark)

TRUDY PROUD

(Oscar is too insecure to hit that correctly)

FRANCINE SMITH

(my favorite flavor of crazy)

HONORABLE MENTION

AUNT CASS

(i have zero issue smelling like coffee for your love)

(DOGGING BITCHES)

TAURASI (DOCUMENTARY)

i love the

WNBA

it’s

“underrated”

(if you miss golden era WORLDSTAR HIPHOP…the WNBA is for you)

or as

LIL B

THE BASEDGOD

once said so eloquently

“Shoutout to the WNBA…you got some fine ass girls i wanna fuck in the mouth”

(i love tall bitches too)

the global push for

equal pay

in

women's sports

(to be paid fairly for their skill and impact, regardless of ROI)

has been the core of my argument

for the last like

10 years

so much so

that this is how i explained my current

“situation”

(whatever is going on with this dumb skate shit)

to my

Dad

a few months ago

Me:

You know Diana Taurasi, right?

Dad:

Yeah of course…she's a legend

Me:

Yeah…well i'm moving into that territory

Dad:

Really how so?

Me:

Well…these bitches are TERRIFIED of me…but “The League” is some bull shit so either way you’d still have to float me and i’d still be doing laundry in public

Dad:

Yeah…that is some bull shit

so when i saw she had a

3 part

documentary

out

i was

BEYOND EXCITED

to learn more about her

"journey"

(carrying an industry on her back for 20+ years)

i’d like to start this by saying

SHE WAS DOGGING BITCHES

(blocking shots and cellying in high school is CRAZY WORK)

i'm young

so i never saw her

UCONN

era

DOMINANCE

(one carry away from an AND1 mixtape)

i’m a

serial

winner

(i have the heads on my wall to prove it)

and

even i’m having a hard time

"conceptualizing "

(coming to grips that someone might be more of a dog than me)

GOING

BACK TO BACK

TO BACK

MAMA

was moving like

ALLEN IVERSON

KOBE

AND

MJ

(BOTH OF THEM)

carrying mfers like that

is some

"GENERATIONALLY SCARY"

(ARENA FILLING)

shit

so to get into

"The League"

and be told you're only worth

the salary of a

Shift Manager at McDonalds

is beyond a

"slap in the face"

(generationally sexist)

the only people who don't understand

fair pay

are:

rich

entitled

white guys

who don't care if they live or die

(so the skate industry)

i'm a lot like

DT

because

i’m a

SHIT

TALKER

(and a legend)

"Don't be so humble, you're not that good"

IS

YUMMY

(i'd talk more shit but “The League” is too fragile for my chirp)

to become a

LEGEND

(CERTIFIED)

isn't a straight line

it's a

long

arduous

and

UNPREDICTABLE

journey

(the most fun i've had in my entire life)

a journey filled with

HIGH HIGHS

low lows

plateaus

and

BULL SHIT

LOTS

AND

LOTS

OF

UNINFORMED

MANUFACTURED

PROJECTED

BULLSHIT

not only do you have to fucking

SURVIVE IT

you have to

PERFORM THROUGH IT

EFFORTLESSLY

(which is the sole reason why most of you will never be legends)

that was really enjoyable

it's become my

3RD FAV

SPORTS DOC

OF ALL TIME

(Becks and MJ just barely squeak you out)

to watch that

in the

“position i'm in”

(serving you peak on a weekly basis for years)

was

inspiring

to say the least

(i knew i wasn’t fucking crazy)

my shit is going to be

NUTS

(if you interview the CORRECT people)

"no like...the mfer just did it and biked home"

i highly recommend watching it

we all need a

HARSH

reminder that

“we aren’t shit”

because

Diana Taurasi

exists

(the world is a realer place because of it) ☢︎