man time (gooo edition)

"wHo's WRiTinG tHiS ScRipT?!?"

(i think me but idk)

unlike the

WOMEN'S WRITE UP

(y'all bring so much joy to my life)

for the

MEN'S WRITE UP

(me handing your paper back face down)

UNFORTUNATELY

my words are

"LESS THAN KIND"

(watching y'all makes me want to put a bullet in my brain)

SO

by virtue of y'all

SUCKING ASS

this one is

WAY LONGER

(apologies to the illiterate)

SO

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO

MAN TIME

(gooo edition)

PREM THOTS

if you

WATCH FUTBOL

(the only people that don't are idiots)

you'd be

WELL AWARE OF THE FACT

that it's basically

LOVE ISLAND

(with like 4% less kissing)

SO

no matter

HOW BAD THE SEASON IS

(and boy was it)

you're

GLUED TO THE SCREEN

for

EVERY PAINFUL MINUTE

(plus stoppage)

EVERY

AWAKWARD KISS

(more than you'd think)

AND

EVERY

INSANE STORYLINE

(the reason i don't watch Love Island)

SO

IT PAINS ME

to

REPORT BACK

that

THE FUTBOL

in

THIS SEASON

of

"THE PREM"

(fully grown men who can't shoot past the 18)

...EsSs NO GoOo...

(outside of the obvious highlights of course)

i don't have

MUCH ELSE TO SAY

considering

I WAS RIGHT

(S/O TO MY GOONERS)

BUT

i do have

SOME REQUESTS

(outside of begging y'all to work on your fundamentals)

MORE

SHITHOUSERY

(y'all get paid like deities...you can handle a fine)

ALSO

FOR THE LOVE

OF

ALL THAT IS HOLY

(me)

WEAR

SOFT GROUND

BOOTS

(watching mfers slip all-day is giving me the ick)

I TOLD YOU

"hoW'd yOU knOW?!?"

(i love futbol...being right is a sanity thing not an ego thing)

THIS SEASON

was truly

THE MOST STRESSFUL YEAR

of

MY ENTIRE LIFE

(i fucked around and found out)

which is

FUCKED UP

because

I HAVE 0 SKIN IN THE GAME

(other than pride)

AND

EVEN

I

WAS AN

ABSOLUTE NUT JOB

(someone check on the state of Mikel's penis)

BUT

I ULTIMATELY KNEW

because

I TRUST MIKEL

(you can always tell when someone actually cares)

he's

ONE OF THE ONLY MANAGERS

who isn't treating

MANAGING

ONE OF

THE BIGGEST CLUBS IN THE WORLD

(society's highest honors)

like it's

FUCKING GIG WORK

(some of you mfers treat this shit like it's substitute teaching)

ARSENAL

just needed

"A BOOST"

(a phychopath...a tweaker and some self belief)

ALSO

again

"THE PREM"

(fully grown men rolling on the ground for a stubbed toe)

is absolute

DOG SHIT

(some of y'all have the vision of an 80 y/o bat)

so

THEM WINNING

(forseably for the next few years)

was

KIND OF INEVITABLE

(get used to seeing Mikel smile)

if not

WRITTEN

(some things are just meant to happen)

ALSO

if this is what

LONDON

looks like after

"BOTTLING IT"

I CAN'T IMAGINE

what the

NEXT FEW YEARS

are going to

LOOK LIKE

(EERILY SIMILAR)

ALSO

ALSO

for all

"MEN'S ORDEALS"

(mfers putting their lifes savings on Kalshi)

THE FEE

for my

"WITCHING SERVICES"

(fufulling your wildest dreams)

is

40%

(a small price to pay)

MY BOYS

OKAY SO

you'd think

I'D BE UPSET

y'all didn't

PLACE ABOVE 10TH

(you should have but we'll get to that)

BUT I'M NOT

i'm actaully

EXTREMEMLY PROUD OF Y'ALL

for

KICKING SO MUCH ASS

with

LITTLE TO NO RESOURCES

(it's literally a 6 point spread between 6th and 13th place)

BUT

again

YOU SHOULD HAVE

placed

"ABOVE 10TH"

(literally in Champions League)

SO

we'll talk about

THE GAMES

that you

SHOULD HAVE WON

(WITH OR WITHOUT JACK GREALISH)

MERSEYSIDE DERBY

this one

TRULY WASN'T YOUR FAULT

(if you watched the game mfers were EATING)

these

"mfers"

(part time referees...fulltime scammers)

called back

THE FIRST GOAL

in a

MERSEYSIDE DERBY

at our

CUNTY NEW STADIUM

(a once in a generation type event)

causing

"mfers"

(me)

to get

"emotional"

(almost start weeping)

SO

to

CALL THAT BACK

(literally sucking all the magic out the air)

is almost

ANTI-FUTBOL

(futbol is about moments...not whatever this new shit is)

these mfers

CALLED OFFSIDE

for

A PENIS HEAD

and

A PINKY TOE

for something

3 INSTANCES BACK

(literally psychotic behavior)

after that

THE REF

proceded to

SCROUNGE AROUND HIS POCKET

feeling the

100 QUID

that mysteriously

"FELL OUT OF SOMEONE'S POCKET"

(i'm assuming by how you officiated the match)

AND

began making

"STRANGE DECISIONS"

(be more subtle next time...people notice)

65 MINS

later

LIVERPOOL

had

WON

(underservingly)

using

THE PHILOSPHY

of

A STRUGGLING SUNDAY LEAGUE TEAM

(all bald white men use the same tactic...AHHHHHHH)

MAN CITY

this was

THE MOST EXCITING GAME

of

THE ENTIRE SEASON

(Champions League final level psychological involvement)

it literally had

EVERYTHING

(it literally had me groveling on the floor and throwing shit)

it even

PRODUCED

the

FUNNIEST GOAL OF THE SEASON

BUT MAN

WAS IT A

PRIME EXAMPLE

OF

"THE PREM"

(arguably the best league in the world)

BEING SOME

ABSOLUTE

FUCKING

BULL SHIT

(these mfers had 10 mins of extra time and nobody died 🧐)

THE NEXT TIME

you're up

3-1

to

MAN CITY

(bastards)

it is

OKAY TO PLAY

like

"A PUSSY"

(link arms around the ball at the corner flag)

that's not being

"A BASTARD"

(playing from the play book of a serial loser)

that's called

FUCKING STRATEGY

(3 points against the sweatiest team in the known universe)

ALL THAT ASIDE

next year

WILL BE BETTER

(keep the core...thicken the roster...come in 5th)

RIP PEP

i know i talk

MAD SHIT

about

PEP

(i'm still not convinced he's ever sucked toes)

BUT

i only do that because

I HAVE TO

(the tragedy of winning)

I LOVE PEP

...

HE'S CRAZY

(he let KDB go ape shit…how could i hate that)

i just hate

WHAT HAPPENED TO PEP

(the tragedy of winning)

after

winning

and

winning 

and

winning

and

winning 

and

winning 

it's hard to maintain that

"level of success"

(even writing that was nauseating)

SO

synthesizing a

"WINNING METHOD"

(treating World Futbol like American Football)

makes

COMPLETE SENSE 

(even if it literally ruined futbol for a decade)

in all seriousness though

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE

(this mfer is the reason Lewandowski is a psycho)

your

"UNRELENTING GENIUS"

(making THE PREM unwatchable)

WILL BE MISSED

(please aquire a hobby)

you're literally

THE GOAT

and

NEVER FORGET THAT

(even if it cost you your hair and your sex drive)

...sorry...

had to make one last

"HEHE"

(...idk if i’ll get a chance to do that again 🥲…)

DON'T EVEN

THINK ABOUT

COMING BACK

(you've done more than enough for the world)

AND

IN YOUR OWN WORDS

SIT DOWN

WAIT

DRINK WATER

RELAX!

ALSO

i'll never be

A MAN CITY FAN

(even though i fuck with Oasis)

BUT

if i do ever

SEE YOU IN PERSON

(the timeline honestly might melt)

...i'd still like my hug...

(you're kinda a legend or whatever)

PREM XI + 7 BENCH

BENCH

David Raya

Bukayo Saka

Ollie Watkins

Bernardo Silva

Anthony Gordon

Bruno Fernandez

Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall

AGAIN

unlike

MY GIRLS

(LITERAL ANGELS)

I DON'T TRUST Y'ALL

to do

SHIT

(i have a penis and an ego too)

SO

y'all have

"GROUND RULES"

(lose the ball doing some stupid shit and you’re out)

FAV GOAL OF THE SEASON

EZE

VS

TOTTENHAM

2/22/2026

when

this game was going on

i was

OUT AND ABOUT

(i had to get my steps in)

SO

i had to wait for

NBC SPORTS

to

POST THE HIGHLIGHTS

(good job)

AND

they were

HONEY DICKIN' ME

(these mfers posted the Kolo Muani goal first)

BUT

once

I SAW THIS ONE

it had me

STOMPING IN MY SEAT

and

UNCONTROLABLY GIGGLING

for like

5 MINS

(the clear signs of a banger)

MADRIDISTAS

after

XABI

got

SACKED

(i'm still pissed y'all didn't let him cook)

i knew

SHIT

was gonna go

TO HELL

(mfers left training in a wheelchair...yikes)

there was

NO WAY

y'all were going to

WIN SHIT

WITH:

EVERYONE INJURED

(the injury reseve list was as long as the bench)

LOSING

to teams with

THE TECNICAL ABILITY

of

11 WOUNDED MULES

(watching some of you mfers makes me want to come back)

BUT

have

THE HEART

of

THE PRIDES TOUGHEST LIONS

(thirst beats talent when talent gets paid too much)

THE ONLY WAY

i could see

ANYTHING CHANGING

(you mfers just need some fucking direction)

is if

you got

someone

"special"

(a cunt)

JOSÉ BACK TO MADRID

with

THIS MFER

at the wheel

NOTHING I SAY MATTERS

(this mfer is literally a tyrant)

BUT

i do still have

SOMETHING TO SAY

(it's literally the only constructive thing i can think of)

PLEASE

DO NOT

THROW ANYTHING

AT

JUDE

(i know he's on your hit list)

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

again

"THE ROUND TABLE"

(pay Kate more)

do their job

"EXTREMELY WELL"

(...even Crackhead Carragher...)

SO

i don't have

MUCH TO ADD

(next year will be even funnier to call)

THE SNOOZE FEST IN BUDAPEST

OKAY SO

that was

QUITE POSSIBLY

the most

BORING FINAL OF ALL TIME

(bruh laid on the ground praying for a pen for 3 MINS)

WE ALL

SAW IT

(i've never been so quietly enraged by a match)

SO

I CAN'T SAY MUCH

(i could write a book on all the annoying shit in that match)

BUT

i will

SAY THIS:

there was

A MOMENT

in

OVERTIME

(the most tense part of a CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL)

WHERE

i was

VIOLENTLY AWOKEN

by

THE SOUND OF MY OWN SNORING

(a cartoon bubble might as well have popped)

as

PSG'S BACK LINE

sat there and

MASTURBATED

with the

FUCKING BALL

for

GOD KNOWS HOW LONG

(2026 is producing the most vile futbol known to man)

ALSO

MIKEL

THE

NEXT TIME

YOU'RE IN

A FINAL

(there will be many more)

AGAINST A

FUCKING BASTARD

(there will be many more)

IT IS

OKAY

TO BE A

CUNT

(if you score 4...all the fuckers can do is cry)

THAT GAME

made me

SO MAD

i swore at

VITINHA

(I FUCKING LOVE VITINHA)

the point of

"winning"

(reinforcing reality)

IS

so that

BUM ASS TEAMS

(these mfers literally looked desperate for 120 mins)

DON'T HAVE

A REASON TO

CELEBRATE UNDESERVEDLY

(you'll win next year...just stop being so fucking nice)

ALSO

CHECK

THAT

REFS

WALLET

(unless they bought your mom a house...it wasn't worth it)

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE XI + 7 BENCH

BENCH

Vinicius Jr

Julian Alverez

Manuel Neuer

Lamine Yamal

Antonio Rudiger

Joshua Kimmich

Jude Bellingham

...wOrLd cUp...

AMERICA

(idiotsville)

is in

THE SHITTER

right now

(only pedophiles would start a war as the wOrLd cUp host)

"yOu sAid wOrLd cUp not wOrLD SpOrTs"

YEAH WELL

to

"SEPERATE THE TWO"

(literally deny reality)

is

"KINDA HARD"

(literally impossible)

ESPECIALLY

considering

THESE MFERS

are

PUTTING ICE AGENTS

at

FUCKING STADIUM ENTRANCES

(raw fascism)

the

wOrLd cUp

is

SUPPOSED TO BE

a celebration of

LIFE

LOVE

AND

FUTBOL

(some people do not live to see the next one)

BUT

with how

AMERICA

is

"STRUCTURED"

(reptilain psychopaths making critical decisions)

it has the potential to be the

EXACT OPPOSITE

(i've never been more disappointed to be an American)

"REGARDLESS"

(biting my tounge so hard it's minced meat)

i'm still

KINDA EXCITED

for the

wOrLd cUp

(USUALLY...it makes the summer air even more electric)

EVEN THOUGH:

THE STANDS

are going to be

EMPTY AS FUCK

(it's finna look like a midweek NWSL game)

MOST

of your

FAVORITES

are

HURT

(...no Rodrygo...no Eketike...🙃)

EVERYONE

is

FUCKING TIRED

(scheduling that many games in a wOrLd cUp year is stupid)

OH YEAH

AND

NO FUCKING GUN CONTROL

(you capitalist fucks don't really understand money do you)

BUT

since we have to

"GO THROUGH WITH THIS"

(apease our capitalist overlords with ball sport)

BECAUSE

idk

🤑 MONEY 🤑

(no amount of capital can save y'all from looking evil)

here:

i have nothing to say about

THE USMNT

(knowing Poch Da Scammer's salary ruins my day)

SO

all i'm going to say is

BRING LUBE

(i suggest KY or SPIT)

SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS

(both of them)

SMILE FOR THE CAMERA

(nobody likes a poor sport)

and

“TAKE IT LIKE A MAN”

(get used like a fleshlight in your own backyard)

BUT

for the mfers

"ACTUALLY CONTENDING"

(mfers who didn't learn how to defend from someones dad)

IT'S ANYONES GAME

(it's looking to be as exciting as 2010)

SPAIN

("...do you know who Lamine Yamal is...")

ENGLAND 

(good luck)

FRANCE

(...THIRSTY MBAPPE and an ACTIVATED OLISE...☺️)

ARGENTINA

(BACK TO BACK)

PORTUGAL

(actually kinda scary)

BRAZIL

(super scary if THE DON can get them to work together)

SENEGAL

(THE DARK HORSE)

GOOD LUCK

TO

ALL

(...even the USMNT...)

DON'T FORGET

FUTBOL

IS

ENTERTAINMENT

(there's a reason why it's the world's sport)

HAVE

FUN

FOR

US

(for the love of god...try a skill move)

LOVE Y'ALL

SEE YOU AFTER

"THE SHIT SHOW"

(S-TIER futbol...SUBHUMAN vibes)

☢︎