“wHY Don’T yOu Do tHiS wEEkLy?!?”

the

“Mo Salah Debacle”

(someone sick of being leeched and strung along)

would have gotten me

“cancelled”

…again…

(bruh said the mfer worried about Eid has an ego 🧐)

PLUS

too much talking

“ruins the dramatic effect”

(being somewhat right is my favorite hit of dopamine)

so

i’m just going to give y'all some

“midseason mid”

(stirring the soup so it’s still edible come May)

enjoy 😛

ALSO

if i

DON’T MENTION SOMETHING

IT DOESN'T MEAN I DON’T CARE

(i'm lowkey superstitious...i'm trying to not jinx shit)

FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS

Mikel

BRING THAT ASS HERE

(you’re not in trouble…you’re actually doing amazing)

BUT

…i do have something to say…

GET

VIKTOR

IN

PILATES

ASAP

(5% more mobility might fulfill your wildest dreams)

other than that

KEEP IT UP

(i'm extremely impressed)

(fucking peak)

MADRIDISTAS

okay so i don’t have much to say

(it’s a long season...everything can happen)

unlike

EVERYONE ELSE

i trust

Xabi

(you can't win everything on accident)

BUT

i trust

Courtois

Jude

Vinny

Mbappé

Trent

Rodrygo

Tchouaméni

Valverde

and

Camavinga

more

(this mfer Jude is so good he turned me into a Beatles fan)

BARÇA

something we were saying

“internally”

(me to my walls)

was

“if Rashford goes to Barça…i’ll go to an MLS trial”

i’m so glad i didn’t say that shit

“on wax”

(i would’ve been speaking Spanish and whiffing bicycle kicks)

buy him

(he deserves a good home)

MAN U

it pains me to say this

because i like

Ruben

(your work at Sporting was class shit)

BUT

IN WHAT WORLD DO

CUNHA

and

UGARTE

($100m worth of foul fodder)

play over

KOBBIE MAINOO

(a literal child prodigy)

my only guess is that he’s

“too advanced”

(too smart to play knock and run)

for what

Ruben

is

“trying to do”

(not look weepy-eyed in every interview like ETH)

instead of wasting

FREE

HOMEGROWN

TALENT

(a recruiter's wet dream)

i must say this

AGAIN

FREE

KOBBIE

MAINOO.

y’all are starting to look

“weird”

(delusional)

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

i literally have

NO PREDICTIONS

(rare)

shit could go

either way

for

all teams

(but we know where my heart's at)

also

(AGAIN)

SHOOT

THE

FUCKING

BALL

(you only pop your collar when you want to stay)

EVERTON

I’M SO FUCKING PROUD OF Y’ALL

so honestly

“no notes”

(the second half of the season is PRIME for growth)

BUT

AGAIN

…i do have something to say…

PAY 4 JACK

he was born to be a

TOFFEE

(on contract)

☢︎