"WhO's wRiTiNg thIs sCRiPt"

(i think some bald loser in orthopedics but idk)

despite 

"FWIFA"

(the Make-A-Wish Foundation)

exhibiting 

"STRANGE BEHAVIOR"

(the reason we don’t have lead pipes anymore)

the 

wOrLd cUp

was

FUCKING PEAK

(i cried multiple times)

SO

there is

A LOT TO COVER

(that was the most chaotic 40 days of my life)

SO

without further ado 

MAN TIME

(wOrLd cUp edition)

AGAIN

despite 

"FWIFA"

(a literal gaggle of bastards)

being

"FWIFA"

(even strippers don’t reach for dollars that aggressively)

i still found myself

BUYING PANINI STICKERS

(multiple boxes)

and

PAYING

for 

FUCKING FOX

(the devil's network)

so 

...good job...

(…you're all a bunch of grifters…fuck you…see you in Spain…)

(the scene of the crime)

40 DAYS OF CHAOS

for

40 DAYS

my

MORNING ROUTINE

was:

wake up

(whack it)

make coffee

(whack it before i shit and possibly shower)

turn on futbol news

(whack it and yell at my wall)

until it was finally time to 

"WATCH SOME GAMES"

(fight off sleep by throwing a fit)

AKA

ME YELLING:

THROUGH BALL

(it's literally always on)

FUCK

(nowhere near a swear word in the context of sport)

RUNNNNN

(the lack of urgency from some of y'all was alarming)

SHOOOOT

(you mfers are the most timid fucks on earth)

AND

(my personal favorite)

"KYS"

(unabbreviated) 

at

MY WALL

literally

ALL DAY

(basically heaven)

THE FRONT LINE

SHOUT OUT

to

"THE NETWORKS"

(the media meat farm)

for gathering

FUCKING LEGENDS

to 

"COMMENTATE"

(politely tell these mfers they're dog shit) 

if i had known that 

ONE DAY

my 

EUROSPORT HEROES

(a lot of you mfers shaped me as a person)

WOULD BE

 in a

PERIWINKLE SUIT

(a bow tie away from Peewee Herman)

with a

CHINCHILLA

trying to 

CRAWL OFF HIS HEAD

(PLEASE USE THIS MONEY ON A TRIP TO TURKEY)

CALLING SCRUBS

from

MY AGE GROUP

fucking

"GENERATIONAL TALENTS"

(must be slim pickins’)

i would have had

"MORE FAITH IN MYSELF"

(bit my tongue and sighed my way to a Ballon d'Or)

BUT

 in all seriousness

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE

(please get some rest)

your

HARD WORK

(gotta be piss bottle stories)

brought

THE WORLD

so much

JOY

(i cried when y'all signed off for the last time)

EVEN IF 

"THE NETWORKS"

(the reason why we live in Idiocracy)

had 

MY ALLTIME FAVS

(MeN's aNd WoMeN's)

working like 

AN UNDERSTAFFED BURGER KING

(pregnant woman included)

also

I'M EXTREMELY PROUD OF Y’ALL

for not 

LAUGHING ON AIR

(too hard)

(...see...i'm not always right...)

THE SHIT SHOW

I FUCKING LOVE

the 

wOrLd cUp

(it’s my favorite social season) 

because 

"THE GAMES"

(grown men at their most desperate)

are 

USUALLY FUCKING CHAOTIC

(it’s like if the MLS and THE PREM had a crossover episode)

a lot of 

"DARK ARTS"

(mfers shamelessly turning futbol into Mortal Kombat)

AND 

EVEN MORE MFERS

TOO TALENTED

TO BE PLAYING

5 IN THE FUCKING BACK

(please just learn how to defend properly)

WILLINGLY PLAYING

RING AROUND THE ROSIE

ON

THE TOUCH LINE

(there is an art to getting fucked senseless...just take it)

this

wOrLd cUp

in particular was 

"FUCKED UP"

(unbelievably fucking GUT WRENCHING)

because

IT WAS LIKELY

a lot of my

"HEROES"

(mfers who carried futbol on their backs for the last 20 years)

"LAST DANCE"

(LUKA 😭)

SO

NATURALLY

i was getting

"EMOTIONAL"

(literally crying watching my heroes weep into their jerseys)

for the most part

THE GAMES 

were 

FUCKING PEAK

(Cape Verde you’re forever cemented in history as legends)

YOU KNOW

shit's

"FUCKING PEAK"

(literally the best tournament on the planet)

WHEN

this mfer

ERLING BRAUT HAALAND

(Nina Tucker)

had me 

CLAPPING

and

ROWING

like a 

FUCKING VIKING

(the wOrLd cUp truly is biZArRo wOrLd)

but

SOMETIMES

the video of

MARISA TOMEI

 doing 

YOGA

(barefoot)

was 

1000x MORE ENJOYABLE 

than

WATCHING Y'ALL:

MAYBE

POSSIBLY

IF YOU'RE ALLOWED TO 

HOPEFULLY

ADVANCE THE BALL UP THE PITCH

(stop listening to your coaches...they have ulterior motives)

AND 

MAYBE 

POSSSIBLY 

IF THE

STARS FUCKING ALIGN 

AND 

THE GODS ALLOW IT

SHOOT THE FUCKING BALL

(futbol is sex…not masturbation...please cum in the net)

THE OFFICIATING

FOR

"THE MOST PART"

(y'all have the hardest job on the planet)

it was

…actually decent…

(i’m honestly shocked how little times i called y'all cunts)

BUT

OTHER TIMES

I QUESTION WHY THERE ARE EVEN:

45 to 60 

4K CAMERAS

ZOOMED IN

ON THESE MFERS

PIMPLES

(please aquire a skin care routine)

A

BABY MONITOR

IN

THE FUCKING BALLL

(i promise you it's not that deep)

THE ABILITY TO

IDK

STOP THE GAME

FOR

HOW EVER LONG YOU PLEASE

TO

"PINCH AND ZOOM"

(play god on company time)

ON

WHAT IS CLEARLY

SOMEONE

"BITCHING AND MOANING"

(a grown man rolling in the grass snickering)

OTHER

THAN

"THAT"

(what's slowly ruining futbol)

…good job…

(please start giving more yellows for simulation)

SPAIN WIN


i'm gonna say

THE SAME THING I SAID

when they

WON THE EUROS

(i really don't understand why y'all can't beat them)

"consistency is key"

(give a fuck)

also

I'M LOWKEY PISSED

y'all let

RODRI

(the sentient stump)

"COMPLETE FUTBOL"

(wall pass his way to winning everything)

wOrLd cUp XI +  7 BENCH 

SO

this is less about

"STATS"

(why futbol blows dick now)

and

MORE SO

a list of

PEOPLE

who either

BROKE RECORDS

(i'm so fucking proud of y'all)

or

DIDN'T PISS ME OFF

(that much)

CONGRATULATIONS :P

since it's

A TOURNAMENT

your

ONLY OBJECTIVE

is to

SCORE FUCKING GOALS

(it's almost like you mfers don't understand goal differential)

and idk

GIVE A FUCK

(you can exhaust yourself...y'all still get snack time)

...SEE YOU NEXT TIME...

now that all the

PANINI STICKERS

have been

RIPPED OPEN

THE CHAMPIONS

have been

CROWNED

and

i've finally

"RECOVERED"

(patiently waiting to be Women's World Cup Wasted)

i find myself

MOURNING

the

wOrLd cUp

(you capialist bastards really know how to put on a show)

and

even though

"AMERICA"

(the only place on the planet comfortable being this shitty)

is

UNBEARABLE

in its

"CURRENT STATE"

(incontinent)

i'm still

OVERJOYED

that

PEOPLE

from

ALL OVER THE WORLD

got to

FALL IN LOVE

with

AMERICA

(it's FFFFFUCKED UP but it's crazy lit)

for the same reasons

I LOVE AMERICA

(i love ranch too)

als0

64 TEAMS

is

WAYY TOO MANY

(you greedy fucks will entertain any idea for money)

ANYTHING MORE

would put

THE WORLD

(our only home)

in a

"FUTBOL INDUCED PHYCHOSIS"

(heaven)

☢︎