THE PREM IS BACK!

(AND SO AM I ;p)


THIS IS WTF I'M TALKING ABOUT BOYS

BIG MOVES

LOTS O’ DRAMA

(NO SNOOZE FEST DETECTED)


LOTS O’ MONEY

BEING TOSSED AROUND


...where they got it...

WE DON'T KNOW

do we care?

FUCK NO


WE GOT

TABLE SHAKING

DICK HARDENING

SHIT

TO TALK ABOUT

so let's get into it

(she's girthy…you’re welcome)


ALSO

SHIT I’M NOT TOUCHING

(FULLY)

Isak

(you’re scaring me pookie)

Rashford

(learn spanish…quick)

Ballon d’Or

(draw straws)

Predictions

(it’s anyones to take but anyone but Man City)


Transfer News

i was sick of seeing literally

THOUSANDS

of

TikToks

to the

“ishowspeed sound”

(literally months of “aaaaayeeee”)


“inaccurately”

reporting

“the news”

(someone liked something on Instagram)

on a daily basis

so finally

(confirmed by Fotmob…not sponsored)

THE NEWS


(DOOM HAS ARRIVED)

VIKTOR GYÖKERES TO ARSENAL

“You like Arsenal, don’t you, Squidward?”

…kinda…

it’s complicated


i love seeing good football

The Prem

elicits some of the most exciting football

on the planet

(even if the refs are shit)

so i’m all for

“making and taking”

(making my Ultimate Team wet dreams a reality)


so

to see

Mikel

(an Everton legend)

MAKE AND TAKE

THE BIG ONE

i can’t not be excited


i’m not going to

"dick suck"

him

how we did

Erling

(we see how that went)


BUT

i will say

anything

UNDER

20 goals

seems

“unrealistic”

(my heart is telling me 30)


thank you

Mikel

(you could come in 7th and i still wouldn’t sack you)

you’re doing

DEMONIC SHIT

and i love it

(if you get Eze too you’re a psycho)


(a cuntier shade of blue)

JACK GREALISH TO EVERTON

“You’re an Evertonian and you never talk toffee news!?!”

well

there usually isn’t anything to talk about

“we suck”

(are severely underfunded)


TO ME

Everton

is a club where you

“go to be a star”

(get minutes and dip)

or

“go to play with your kid”

(retire with dignity)


OR

(my personal favorite)

you stay for life


so

the transfers are usually

ex legends

or

no name freaks

(may the lord smile on you, Illiman)

but you only know that

IF YOU WATCH THE GAME


plus

we don’t

“suck”

we just never have

(or haven’t for a while)

had the composure

of a seasoned player

(one not in their late 30s)

directing play


we also

can’t finish

(FOR SHIT)


until recently

we were dealing with the plague that was

Dominic Calvert-Lewin

(shit like this raises domestic violence stats)

1 goal in 21 games

AS THE STARTING STRIKER

is truly maddening shit


so

to now have a

new stadium

(she’s cunty…Gotham…take notes)

and the potential of more

“higher quality”

prospects

(can make a 30 yard pass and not shit themselves)

we might be okay


Grealish at Villa

(and Man City...)

was

PEAK BALLER

(bruh took a punch and then scored…DOG BEHAVIOR )


so

he has the potential to do

“the impossible”

(finish in the top 10)


so

i think this seasons

MIGHT BE

different than

“the usual”

(making insane faces,yelling and contorting my body into unseen shapes)


also

to the

“pundits”

(95% are dilettantes…4% are legends…1% are comedic relief)

that don’t have

“hope”

(sick to their stomach he’s got everything they dream of)

i ask but one thing of you

“run your footage”


(free)

POGBA IS BACK

mfers love to throw dirt on a

LEGEND'S NAME


POGBA

is one of the greatest footballers

to ever grace the pitch

(EVER)


“YOU'RE GLAZING”

i’m not

(i’m lowkey trying to NOT use both hands)


watch a 15-minute

highlight video

and if you

DON’T

feel the

“divine dick riding urge”

(being rightfully moved by peak)

to comment

“shades of zizou”

you might not have a brain

(or a soul)


as someone who’s about to turn 30

(who recently just learned the benefits of taking a real fucking break)

and is lowkey in their prime

i think he’s going to come back

EVEN SCARIER


football is more about your

brain

than your

brawn

(even if that’s a big factor)


the brain works best when it’s

free

and that mfer is

free as a bird

watch out


CLUB WORLD CUP

there was literally

no way in hell

you were going to get me to watch the

group stage


these mfers had

walkouts and smoke

like it was

Randy Orton

and not

Lionel Messi

(says a lot about the faith in the American audience)


i don’t need to see my favs

exhausted

running around in the heat

just for extra transfer money

(these are people too)


BUT

from the games i did watch

i know now that

Champions League

is going to be more

“chaotic”

than last year

(biweekly insanity)


umm still so so on the tournament existing

(that’s so much football on the player)

but it’s a good litmus test for the season

(as a whole)

and it was entertaining

so

net neutral

(good job?)


also

we gotta put more respect on this nigga

Cole Palmer’s

(Colie Polie Ollie)

name


what happened to him

happened to me

so i completely understand

his

“arc”

(eating mfers for breakfast after watching for years)


“he’s shit…fuck him”

*moves 5 hours away

“everyone loves them and we’re seriously considering giving them the Ballon d'Or”

(maybe even a shoe)


but

that’s what happens when you

meat ride

“a system”

(something built to filter out unpredictability)

and not

“reality”

(understanding the magic comes from the individual)


but

that’s a problem for people who

“don’t suck toes”

(scared someone will call you a freak for following your heart)


good luck

to

everyone

(even Man City)

and

LET THE GAMES

BEGIN

(for the love of god, don't let the mfers in the Sierra Mist kit win) ☢︎