your turn boys

ENJOY 😘

also

i didn’t get into this

but

i’m lowkey a Real Madrid fan

(i’m not gonna comment on the season…shit be happening)

but

Thank you, Luka

you’re a legend

(statue worthy)

PREM THOTS

once Pep lost his golden goose

(Rodri)

Liverpool winning was kind of a given

even if i do have the softest of spots for Arsenal

(Mikel, please just buy a striker under 30, you won’t come in second anymore)

which kind of made the top half of the table a snooze fest

(as predicted)

but the bottom half

BOY

EXCITING

VERY

“ILLUMINATING”

how

after spending a billion pounds

Man U barely got 40 points

all season

insane

(i’d pay BIG MONEY to be in the 99ers WhatsApp during some of these games)

also

thank you, David Moyes

for playing simple

effective

old school football

(AND NOT BLOWING MULTIPLE 3-0 LEADS)

my blood pressure

thanks you for that

oh and

Pep and Ruben both need

“participation medals”

(a rage room and the best therapists in the world on retainer)

nobody should have to endure that level of abuse

big ups for not crying

on camera

literally couldn’t be me

(there’d be 1000s of GIFS of me ugly crying in post-match interviews by now)

god bless their wives

and lastly

as a

“traitor”

(said to my face multiple times in completely different areas of life)

i can say booing Trent is classless

and sad

(even if leaving for only ÂŁ10m is a lil fucked up and kinda scuzzy)

but 20 years is 20 years

i understand that coping is hard

but geeze

the world is larger than the 111 square kilometers that make up Liverpool

(but if you really want to show him he fucked up…beat Real Madrid)

FAV GOAL OF THE SEASON: JAMES TARKOWSKI'S LAST-MINUTE MIRACLE

PREM XI

(wacky 4-3-3)

BENCH: ILLIMAN, TRENT, TARK, MBEUMO, DECLAN, BECKER, LUIS DIAZ

CRYSTAL PALACE WIN THE FA CUP

i would have crashed out like Pep too

had a mfer in a snap back

saved everything that came his way

HENDERSON WENT CRAZY

(also…that was a red card…but it's okay)

s/o Crystal Palace for completing the prophecy and keeping Man City

“trophyless”

for the first time in like a decade

(i literally could cry for Eze…he’s unbelievably underrated)

i’m not a Man City hater

(i actually love Pep because he’s crazy)

but i am a hater of institutions

especially institutions that indoctrinate you into playing soulless football

because in what world is playing with the outside of your foot not kosher

again

god bless Peps wife

…those toes probably haven’t been sucked in years…

("i joke i joke, i kid i kid")

but in all seriousness

some of the best futbol comes from playing what comes to you

how it comes to you

and reacting naturally in the moment

sometimes

that means whipping it 30 yards with the outside of your foot

al la Luka Modric

it sucks that’s one of KDB’s last matches at City

but

it’s the end of a

“Dynasty”

(BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF INVESTMENTS)

not the career of one of the greatest midfielders the Prem has ever seen

KDB TO NAPOLI

hopefully

(his wife bought a house there, so that’s better confirmation than Sky Sports)

I LOVE

“KEBIN”

he’s got that sicko brain that i love so very much

and the ability to back up the visions he has

which is fucked up

so seeing him look like he was in the twilight of his career this year was

“disheartening”

to say the least

(a symptom of a broken system)

so to see him go play with one of my former fav players

and national team teammate

BIG ROMM

(AN EVERTON LEGEND…BRUH WAS MOVING LIKE INFORM DROGBA)

while still getting to play Champions League football

is going to be very sick

also

this sounds like some alternate timeline shit

but

the balls from KDB to Scott McTominay are going to be WILD

finally

a real reason to watch Serie A

TOTTANHAM WIN EUROPA LEAGUE

this is what i mean

bruh needs a rage room

(again…literally why i don't coach i’d literally be in tears all day)

i watched from when â€˜Big Meeks’ almost shit his pants during pre show

until Tottenham

“scored”

(losing from an own goal is crazy work…locker room had to be BLEAK)

then fell asleep

very confident that nothing would change

i woke up to Ruben getting a silver medal placed on his neck

(brutal)

the Man U

“rebuild”

(genocide)

is going to be a sight to see

that game felt like watching your baby cousins fight over the player 2 controller

that wasn’t plugged in

(kinda funny…kinda sad…kinda obvious who wanted it more)

Congrats to Spurs though

seeing Sonny that happy to have finally won something makes me happy

so there is some good that came out of this

good luck in the Champions League

lord knows you’ll need it

(no amount of money will save y’all, please use your purse WISELY)

BAYERN MUNICH WIN THE LEAGUE

anyone who said

“VIncEnT kOmPAny iSn’t A gOOd MAnAgER…LOok aT BUrnLEy”

looks like a

“dumb fuck”

now

(my old coach gotta be GEEKED)

they have some of my favorites

both new and old

(thank you for your service, Thomas)

so seeing them win makes me happy

congrats Harry

finally, a real W

(you had to go whop on geriatric farmers to do it but a W is a W…congrats)

also

look who was the best player all season

(BOTH STATISTICALLY AND IN OUR HEARTS)

OLISEEE!

atta boy

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

ARESENAL VS PSG

i’m going to need someone to teach these mfers it’s okay to shoot the ball

its unbelievably infuriating watching someone

who is .0000001% top level amazing

be at the 18 and not feel comfortable shooting

not only isn’t comfortable

but are actively scared and looking for an out

(it’s like they’re deathly allergic to worldies)

the only reason PSG won the first leg is because Dembele said

“fuck it…i’ll have a hit”

(you have 90 mins on the pitch…you can handle a goal kick or a corner)

it wasn’t a clean hit

but it was hit well enough

for something to happen

ie a deflection that nobody is prepared for it

(because nobody shoots the ball anymore)

and it ping ponged into the back of the net

in the first 5 mins of the game

it’s grade school logic

but it works every time

learn from that

i want to see Mikel smile more

(please buy Nico Williams or Gyökeres, but honestly, it’s “Por qué no los dos”)

also

s/o Myles Lewis-Skelly

being that composed at 18 is insane

keep it up

BARCA VS INTER

if you watch ball

you know

that was some of the best football in the last 5 years

BACK TO BACK GOALS

TENSION

FLAIR

THE WORKS

more of that, please

PSG WIN CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

wow

the bum ass team won

crazy

(i did say they’d be nasty after the rebuild, but i didn’t think this quickly)

another reason why this new format

SLAPS

a 5-0

FINAL

you hate to see it

(somebody had to get fucked it just happened to be yall)

BUT I LOVE ME A GOOD ASS WHOPPING

CONGRATS

watching Dembele sprint around with the trophy like a child was 10/10

(Mikel, that could be you)

MEN’S WORLD XI (IMO)

(another wacky 4-3-3)

BENCH: RAPHINIA, JULIAN, ISAK, DEMBELE, LEWLEW, RAYA, TRENT, DAVIES

BALLON D'OR CONTENDERS: ANYONE LISTED ABOVE

SO

SO LONG FOR NOW

(obvi doing NWSL and the EUROs in between, maybe transfer news, but idk yet)

SEE YOU IN AUGUST

SPEND YOUR MONEY WISELY

ALSO

“nO mLS???”

FUCK NO

if i dog walked you as a child

i have nothing to say â˜˘ď¸Ž