ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS 

IF YOU'RE

BETTING 

ON 

WOMEN'S SPORTS

YOU NEED HELP

(that’s like smoking resin)

BUT

IF YOUR

PARLAY HIT

RUN ME MY CHECK

(i’m entitled to AT LEAST 30%)

SHOUTOUT 

GOTHAM FC

(I'M BEYOND FUCKING PROUD OF YOU LADIES)

NOT TO

“DO THAT THING”

(be eerily fucking correct)

BUT

WOW

(Phil Jackson...COULD NEVER)

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO

WOSO THOTS

(two star edition)

before i 

VICIOUSLY

SLOP UP

my girls

(the documentary is going to go CRAZY)

we have to acknowledge 

OUR LEGENDS

(again...THE DOCUMENTARY IS GOING TO GO CRAZY)

if i’m missing anyone

i'm sorry

(you’re all legends)

but i gotta

“mourn”

(do some light dick sucking)

my favs real quick


ALI RILEY

from the pitch

to the

Champions Leauge

round table

in

A WEEK

(Legendary)

ALEX MORGAN

you did 

MORE THAN ENOUGH 

like

7 years ago

(sipping tea…taking names and kicking fucking ass)

enjoy being

“The Undercover Bald Eagle”

(an American Hero turned Tradwife)

AND 

FINALLY 

THANK YOU 

CHRISTEN PRESS

“THE ORIGINAL DEMON”

(my literal fav)

YOU’RE A LEGEND

enjoy 

“watching from the sideline”

(kicking your feet and giggling...knowing you’ll always be the best)

one day imma make

“THE edit”

(not blurry with music under 180 bpms)

for

You and Tobin

(none of the ones on YouTube do y'all justice)

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SERVICE

y'all changed the world

and

history will not forget

(cunty lil brain)

PLAYOFFS

with an ending that

"spectacular"

(actual sports magic)

i really don't have anything to say

(you girls deserve the world)

if this season taught me anything

it’s to

RADICALLY

EMBRACE

CHAOS

AND

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

(that was one of the greatest runs of all time)

also

i was right

playoffs

did make me cry

(TEARS OF JOY!)

also

not to

“get into the weeds”

(expose years of trauma with my insight)

BUT

we won because

WE HAVE

MULTIPLE

GENIUSES

(who just happen to BALL)

MY 2025 SQUAD

like always it’s

“subjective”

(vibes over stats)

catered to how i like the game played

FAST 

FLAIR

LONG BALLS

BRICK WALL DEFENDING 

AND

FUCKING BRAINS 

ALL OVER THE PITCH

(HOW YOU FILL A STADIUM)

ALSO

thank you 

Alyssa Thompson 

for leaving the 

NWSL

(stars gotta shine)

you made this 

SO MUCH EASIER 

keep it up 

and you’ll 

get your write up soon

(Trinity...you’re next)

BENCH

COOP

CROIX

MANAKA

FREEMAN

ABELLO

DICKEY

“this just looks like a list of people whose feet you want to defile”

(lowkey)

BUT 

this actually would be the team i’d

“acquire”

(AGGRESSIVELY POACH)

 if i had 

ALL THE MONEY

(sorry for your loss)

because we would literally 

NEVER LOSE

(EVER)

also 

(for context)

my

midfield 

can do  

WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY PLEASE

(polycule the midfield)

my

wing backs 

are 

WING BACKING 

(TONS O’ OVERLAPS)

my

forwards

you already know the drill

BE FUCKING ANNOYING 

SCORE FUCKING GOALS

(START PRACTICING YOUR CELLY)

my defense 

READ THE NAMES

(need i say more)

and 

Ann

(i love you so much)

BUT

you can’t

go 30 yards past the 18

(sorry)

even though i love your specific 

“brand of chaos”

(turning my hair grey with every clearance from the half line)

FAV GOAL OF THE SEASON

DEMONIC SHIT

FROM

MIDGE

PSYCHO SHIT

FROM

GEYSE

AND

LASTLY

AS A 

NEW YORKER 

WHO

LOVES 

GOTHAM FC

(GO BATS)

I'M GOING TO NEED

A STADIUM

NOT IN  

“WEST BUBBLE FUCK”

(New Jersey)

NOW THAT WE’RE 

CHAMPIONS

(AGAIN)

i feel it’s only right to start having

“the stadium talk”

(these women deserve a space they can curate for themselves)

if i have to 

“sell dick” 

(do an OnlyFans rug pull)

to 

“put a down payment”

(start buying random patches of land)

for

A STADIUM 

 i can 

BIKE

TO

I WILL

(Gowanus is SCREAMING for an intimate WOSO stadium)

CONGRATS

GOTHAM FC

ON

YOUR

SECOND STAR

⭐️⭐️

(hopefully now you believe in magic)

☢︎︎︎︎